Amazingly, our fearless correspondent Gabra Zackman has hung on to the bitter end with The Bachelorette, and now we finally discover which generic hunk of man-meat JoJo chose to be her true love forever (or for a contractually obligated six months). Gabra, lead on!
We start with #iheartchrisharrison. I love these live finales!!! So. GOOD. We see everyone ready to watch in the house… Ben and Lauren from last season are there, Chad is there, of course, along with the full cast of the hyped Bachelor in Paradise. “GET HIM A MEAT PLATE!” Chris Harrison implores the crowd, pointing at Chad. HAHAH.
On to the episode.
ENTRE NOUS
“When I’m with Robbie I think of Jordan, and when I’m with Jordan I think of Robbie.” EGADS. She’s in love with them both! She’s excited to see her family, but nearvous about what they may think of the men.
AH YES! The brothers!!! I had forgotten. They were rough on Ben last season.
She breaks it down with her fam… gives them the summary of both men.
(Blogger’s Note: this blogger thinks both of these choices BLOW and the the third and fourth runners up were #hotasrocks. Just FYI)
[Ed note: Editor totes agrees. Feh.]
JORDAN
Jojo’s mother breaks it down with Jordan. Her mother is from a different country and speaks with a lovely accent. “Jojo has trust issues with men. Promise me you will never break Jojo’s heart.”
“Never,” he replies, “I never will.”
Jojo and her mom chat. “I think that you both are too much alike,” her mother says. “I’ve seen you hurt too many times, and I’m worried.” Her mother is concerned that Jordan won’t take care of her.
Jordan chats with her dad. Her dad also brings up Jojo’s trust issues. But there’s a missed opportunity. “I didn’t ask her dad for her hand in marriage,” Jordan tells us ruefully.
Jojo says she’s sure he did ask her father for his permission. #oops
ROBBIE
They all chat around dinner. Jojo’s mom seems sold on Robbie from the first.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so cherished by somebody,” Jojo tells us.
Her brothers dig him, but caution her on all the elements that go into a marriage. The brothers have no reservations, and seem to have vastly mellowed since last season.
Robbie chats with Jojo’s mom. She brings up the trust issues again. “I want to let you know that your daughter will be the biggest priority in my life,” he tells her. “I love your daughter so much, more than I can express in words,” he says, bringing her to tears.
“I’m giving you a princess,” her mom says, “I want you to make her the queen of your heart.”
[Ed. note: This editor is wary of grown women whose parents still indulge their princess fantasies.]
Robbie brings her mom in with her dad to ask their permission. He is laying it on THICK!!! What a job. What a performance. Good LORD. I don’t really buy this guy, but boy is he doing a good job!!! VERY IMPRESSIVE.
Her father is quite moving to me. He gets very emotional. It’s very charming. It may, perhaps, rate as the most charming part of this episode.
Jojo is also very moved, but she’s still unsure… “the answer is I don’t know,” she tells us, head in her hands.
BREAKING IT DOWN
The whole fam likes them both but are SOLD on robbie. Jojo is SHOCKED that Jordan did not ask her father for her hand in marriage. “I don’t know why he didn’t do that.”
She starts weeping in front of her family. “I’m just so confused… it wasn’t supposed to be so hard,” she cries.
She thinks no matter who she chooses that she’ll always wonder about the other. “It scares me,” she weeps.
LAST CHANCE
Robbie and Jojo have their last date. She’s looking for clarity. He’s all in.
They’re on the beach, frolicking in the waves. It’s a very pretty picture. Lovely kiss. That’s 1. He’s hoping to totally win her after this date. HAHAHA AMAZING. The kiss UNDERWATER. Bravo, Bachelor producers. That’s 2.
Robbie is going ALL OUT. He paints their future life together… meatloaf cooking in the oven, dogs barking, the sound of kids in the background.
“When is this, when in the future?” she asks him.
“Tomorrow,” he says. “You make me feel so much. You make me feel alive.”
“I trust you,” she says.
NIGHT FALLS
He again tells her he loves her. She tells him that what has gotten her here is how he put himself out there so early. He says, “I told your dad that his daughter will be safe with me, she’ll always be able to trust me.”
“You’ve got a heart of gold,” she says. They kiss. That’s 3.
She has no doubts with him, she’s totally on board.
“We have a really great thing,” she tells us, “we have a relationship that keeps growing. The type of person Robbie is is the type of person you want by your side.”
What a passionate kiss! That’s 4. A four alarm fire, more like. They kiss more. 5.
“The only reserve I have is that maybe I’m blinded by my love?” He says earnestly. “But it doesn’t feel that way. I want her to say she loves me… she says that and I’m going to fall on my knees.”
LAST DATE WITH JORDAN
They’re on a boat in Thailand. I have to say, Robbie has won me in this contest. Fascinating to see if Jordan can top it.
Jojo is anxious… she doesn’t quite know where Jordan stands. She thinks he has everything she wants… but there are still those fears. “It confuses me,” she says.
They sit on a beach together. “What’s going on in your head,” she asks him. They talk about time with her family. He says that he didn’t get her father’s blessing. She puts it to him…. And tells him how she feels. “It makes me doubt if you’re really ready.”
He says he wasn’t able to ask her dad because she hasn’t chosen him yet. They’re talking in circles. “I’m scared,” she says, “and I don’t want to be scared.”
FASCINATED to see if he can save this.
NIGHT HAS COME
“I need him to be honest,” she tells us, “and I need him to be upfront. Because all those doubts are back again.”
They sit and talk in his hotel room. It gets very emotional. She’s not getting the reassurances she wants. “I wonder if you’re being 100% honest with yourself,” she tells him. “I don’t know that you’re ready for an engagement but I know you want to be with me.”
“I promise, I’m going to make sure you never have those doubts.”
“I’m so bummed I let her down,” he says to us later. “I don’t want to lose her.”
“I’m telling you,” he says to her. “I know what I want. I don’t have a doubt.” She doesn’t look convinced. They kiss. That’s 6.
“You know I love you?” he asks. “I know you love me,” she says. They kiss again. That’s 7.
He regrets not having asked her dad. It’s confusing why he didn’t. I have to agree… he doesn’t seem quite there yet.
MOVING AHEAD…
Robbie picks out a ring. Jordan calls Jojo’s parents and asks for their blessing. Talk about #justinthenickoftime good LORD!
Jordan writes Jojo a card. He’s so excited to tell her he’s ready, that he’s spoken to her parents.
He picks out a ring. It takes him a while but he’s sure.
THE DAY OF RECKONING
Jojo, resplendent in the HOTTEST DRESS EVER. White with a slit up the leg.
THE CARD WORKS. Well done, young man! It totally affects her. She is weeping,
Robbie also writes a letter. I like the overlay of both Jojo and the men’s voices reading their letters. Robbie’s letter also makes her weep.
“These are things I want to hear before I get engaged to someone. But I can’t keep going back and forth,” she weeps. “I feel like I’m having a panic attack.”
Both men are ready, confident. Each believes he is the man she will marry. Intercutting of the men dressing, in their suits, holding the ring boxes.
She waits for them. We have no idea who she’ll choose.
IT’S THE MOMENT OF RECKONING
Jojo waits, terrified, on the beach. “I have to say goodbye to one man, and I’m so scared I won’t be able to let him go.”
Robbie is up first. He’s nervous. They both compliment the other’s appearance. “My family adores you,” he says. “I love you in a way that makes me weak in the knees, you’re not just my partner in crime you’re my best friend, and I promise I’ll love you till the day I die—”
“Wait,” she says, stopping him. “I can’t let you get down on one knee. I can’t take that away from you. I fell in love with you, but for some reason my heart is somewhere else.”
Oooh this one SMARTS. WOW. What a nasty, painful end. She weeps. He looks shell shocked. They hold hands and walk out.
“I’m trying to follow my heart and hope I don’t make a huge mistake,” she weeps upon his suit.
“Good luck,” he tells her. “Don’t settle.” I actually like him the best for the elegant way he’s handled this CRUSHING and SURPRISING rejection.
“My heart is broken,” she weeps to us.
In the car, he looks like he’s been to hell and back. “She said she loved me, but wouldn’t let me get down on one knee. How is that ok?”
CUT TO the studio audience SILENT and SHATTERED.
Well done Bachelor Producers!
IN CONCLUSION
“The only thing that’s allowing me to keep it together is that I am crazy in love with Jordan. I’m so ready to spend the rest of my life with him.”
REALLY?!?! Good GRIEF this blogger is surprised and skeptical!
She waits for him. The aqua water gently laps behind her. “I love you, “he says, “I love you so much. You made me believe that love doesn’t need to have scripts… I’m so unbelievably in love with you. You’re my best friend, you’re my soul mate. I’m going to wake up every morning and choose you.”
Then she tells him: “Jordan, I love you so much, I’ve been waiting to tell you that. They kiss. That’s 7. He gets down on one knee. They’re so happy. They’re so in love. The music swells, they’re shaking, they’re kissing. That’s 8, 9, 10.
They’re totally in love. She gives him the final rose. This blogger is TOTES not moved in any way. But she is FASCINATED.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Robbie comes on to talk to #iheartchrisharrison. They break it down. This is only vaguely interesting. He’s not had any clarity. He’s still wildly confused as to why it didn’t work out. I must say, he has become more likeable in rejection than he was previously.
Jojo comes to talk to Robbie. She’s in a fascinating dress..I can’t quite understand it. I find the dress as confusing as her season as Bachelorette.
Robbie was glad she said she loved him. She said it was to give him closure.
Basically it came down to her being best friends with Jordan, and not having the same connection with Robbie. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy,” he says. Again, thrilled to see this side of him!
Chris and Jojo break it down. Who should the next bachelor be? They don’t reveal it, but the crowd shouts for Luke. This blogger humbly agrees.
Chad stands up to put himself forth. He is a fan favorite! Hahahah.
Chris calls Bachelor in Paradise a train wreck. ADORE HIM.
Jojo says she feels like the media and the tabloids have been awful—that she and Jordan haven’t had support. People say he doesn’t really love her, that it’s all for show. I have to say… it’s just not authentic feeling. FASCINATED that the public is in agreement on this point. I think we all feel when something is true or not.
I think we still don’t buy it. Jojo and Jordan are saying all the right things but something doesn’t ring true. They show the tabloid headlines…it is a nasty mess.
They’re moving to Dallas STAT and have already bought a house. His bags are packed and they’re ready to go. Chris brings up Jordan’s brother Aaron. Maybe something good came of the publicity of the season? They answer in an equivocating way. It seems the Rodgers are all still in turmoil.
Jojo and Jordan are being sent back to the Pennsylvania resort as a gift, the place where they first really fell in love.
This should be a swoony feel-good ending but it strikes a false note. None of us buy this couple, we miss Luke and Chase, and we feel gypped. In general it’s a snoozefest instead of a swoonfest.
And…scene.
‘Till next time, y’all! And pray the cowboys ain’t gone too far away!
Kiss Meter:
Kisses this episode: 10
Kisses since episode 2: 91 yes. 91 ONSCREEN makeouts. HOLY LORD!
